The Drunk Version Wasn't the Real Me After All

Written by Susan — drank for 20 years, approaching 30 years sober, sharing what actually works

Written by Susan — drank for 20 years, approaching 30 years sober, sharing what actually works

For years, I believed the drunk version of me was the real me.

After a few drinks, I seemed more confident, more outgoing, and less worried about what other people thought. I talked more. I laughed more. I took chances I probably wouldn't have taken sober. At the time, I thought alcohol was revealing my true personality.

After nearly thirty years of sobriety, I can see how wrong I was.

I Thought Alcohol Brought Out the Real Me

After taking my first sip of cider at age 17, I loved how it made me feel. Operative word: feel.

It was like a magic potion. Suddenly, the world seemed lighter, my self-consciousness disappeared, and I felt like a very young Wonder Woman.

That first drink was consumed on my first date with my first husband-to-be.

Looking back, I've no idea why I was trying so hard to impress people. That's where low self-esteem comes into play. But at age 17, what do you really know about life?

What was I expecting of myself at such a young age? To have everything figured out?

Apparently so.

The trouble is, real life doesn't work that way.

For years, I believed alcohol was bringing out "the real me." In retrospect, I can see how wrong I was.

The truth is, I was far too young to know who "the real me" even was.

The Problem Wasn't What I Said — It Was What I Lost

While you may think alcohol is "bringing out the best in you," sadly, for me at least, it often brought out the worst in me.

What does that mean exactly?

Read between the lines when I say it lowered my inhibitions.

I wanted so badly to fit in. I wanted my boyfriend to like me. I wanted people to accept me. As a result, I sometimes went further than I should have. Looking back, some of those decisions are among the regrets I carry to this day.

I'd hear myself saying outrageous things, using language I normally wouldn't use, acting tougher than I really felt, and trying far too hard to impress people.

(Cringe.)

And the embarrassing moments? They could fill a book all by themselves.

The strange thing is that those moments eventually became useful.

If and when you decide to quit drinking, don't be surprised if memories of your own embarrassing moments come flooding back. As uncomfortable as they are, they can become powerful reminders of why you don't want to return to your old habits.

In my course, I talk about something called somatic markers—memories that carry an emotional charge. Those cringe-worthy moments from the past can become some of your strongest somatic markers, helping you stay on the sober path when temptation strikes.

The sad truth is that you can't go back and change the past.

You can only do better going forward.

Thankfully, that's enough.

Alcohol Was Changing My Behavior, Not My Personality

In hindsight, I can plainly see that alcohol was changing my behavior, not my personality.

Alcohol wasn't revealing who Susan really was. It was temporarily removing restraint. My judgment was often way off, and I confused lowered inhibitions with confidence.

Over time, drinking became something I convinced myself I needed.

How so?

When I first arrived in Florida, I was only 20 years old. I didn't know a soul. My parents hadn't arrived yet because they were busy selling the farms back in England.

Back on the farm I'd milked cows, raised sheep, tended goats, and looked after rabbits. Suddenly, I found myself alone in a new country, far from everything familiar.

I knew there was a Holiday Inn down the road from our condominium, and I desperately wanted to go and check it out.

The problem?

I didn't think I could do it sober.

So I drank a couple of beers first and then walked down to the hotel bar.

Looking back, that's a perfect example of how alcohol changes your thinking.

My brain had already started linking alcohol to confidence. I believed I needed those beers before I could walk into a room full of strangers.

But here's the question I ask myself today:

That's why "liquid courage"—sometimes called Dutch courage—isn't true courage at all.

True courage is showing up sober.

True courage is trusting yourself enough to walk into the room without a drink in your hand.

And you might be surprised by how well you handle yourself when you do.

The Real Susan Showed Up After I Quit Drinking

Do you know, after a couple of months of sobriety, I felt like a weight had been lifted.

It wasn't easy.

But boy, oh boy, was it ever the right thing for me to do.

Sober Susan got to work in her brother's machine shop, running a lathe and milling machine, helping make parts for automation machinery.

Drunk Susan could never have done that.

Ten years later, Sober Susan caught the computer bug.

Out of that came books. Lots of books.

Puzzle books, romance books (under a pen name!), how-to books, journals, planners, and all sorts of publishing projects I could never have imagined back when I was drinking.

Then came websites.

Creating websites is a bit of a sickness with me, if I'm honest. I absolutely love the creativity involved. Building something from nothing, writing content, helping people, solving problems—it never gets old.

Later came online courses, including food dehydrating courses and, eventually, the sobriety work you're reading right now.

The point is this:

All of that was inside me all along.

• The creativity was there.
• The work ethic was there.
• The ability to learn new skills was there.
• The confidence was there.

Getting rid of the alcohol allowed those things to surface.

My confidence in my own abilities grew enormously over the years, and it became clear that the real Susan was never hiding inside a glass of alcohol.

She was there all along, patiently waiting for the opportunity to emerge.

What I Believe Today

If I could go back and knock that first glass of alcohol out of my young hand, I probably would.

Then again, if I had, I might never have gained the insight I have today about what alcohol can do to a person's thinking, confidence, and self-image.

What I learned is that the drunk version of me wasn't the real me at all.

Far from it.

As you get older and wiser, you gradually discover who you really are. The real you has been there since birth, but along the way life distracts you.

When you're young, you spend a lot of time wanting to fit in.

At the very same time, you want to be different.

It's a strange contradiction, isn't it?

Wanting to fit in while also wanting to stand out.

Looking back, I can see how much energy I spent trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be.

Today, I believe alcohol often suppresses your true personality rather than revealing it.

• It changes your behavior.
• It changes your reactions.
• It affects your judgment.

But it doesn't reveal your authentic self.

There is nothing particularly earth-shattering about that conclusion.

Still, quitting drinking opened up an entirely new world for me.

And for that, I will always be grateful.

People only change their behavior when it finally makes sense to them.

For me, that day was January 17, 1998.

I woke up feeling as sick as a dog. (Poor dog—I love dogs and have nothing against them!)

This particular "sick dog" was dealing with vomiting, diarrhea, the MOAH (Mother Of All Headaches), and stomach cramps so bad I thought I'd eaten the beer cans.

That was my personal rock bottom.

Your rock bottom may look completely different. It doesn't have to be dramatic. Sometimes it's simply reaching the point where you're tired of making the same promise every morning and breaking it every night.

Whatever form it takes, lasting change usually begins when you realize that drinking is no longer working for you.

Using those memories to your advantage is one of the foundations of my 66 Days to Break the Nightly Drinking Habit course.

When you're ready to quit drinking, the course will be waiting patiently for you.

And perhaps, like me, you'll discover that the drunk version of you was never the real you at all.

About Susan Gast

I’m Susan, creator of Live Better Sober, and in January 2027 I’ll celebrate 30 years alcohol-free.

I created this site to share a calmer, more practical approach for people who want to break the nightly drinking habit and build a better life without alcohol.

About Susan Gast

I’m Susan, creator of Live Better Sober, and in January 2027 I’ll celebrate 30 years alcohol-free.

I created this site to share a calmer, more practical approach for people who want to break the nightly drinking habit and build a better life without alcohol.

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