Shame-Free Sobriety Approach That Actually Helps

Written by Susan — Quit drinking at 37 • Sober since 1998 • Sharing what actually works

Written by Susan — Quit drinking at 37 • Sober since 1998 • Sharing what actually works

Shame-free sobriety approach is a phrase that can be misunderstood.

Some women hear it and think it means forgetting the drinking years, excusing what happened, or pretending embarrassing moments never occurred. That isn't what I mean at all.

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What Shame-Free Sobriety Does Not Mean

What I mean by a shame-free sobriety approach is this: It's a way to live your life going forward without living in shame's shadow.

The shame-free part isn't forgetting that I vomited on my mom's carpet. It's remembering it without using it as proof that I'm a terrible person.

Why Drinking To Escape Shame Keeps The Cycle Going

After waking up the morning after the night's drinking, I'd think back to what I either did or said (or both!) and often feel ashamed. I'd think about it during the day, hoping I didn't run into the person...

When I got home from work, the pain from the shame was a big enabler. So what did I do? Yes, you guessed it, I had a drink (or six) to numb myself. And then I'd get on the phone to the UK at 2 am their time and embarrass myself again. 

At the time, I thought I was drinking because I enjoyed drinking. Looking back, I can see that some nights I was drinking just as much to escape the embarrassment of the night before.

The Difference Between A Shameful Moment And A Shameful Identity

Let's talk about what shameful moments are and how they are not your true identity.

When we recall past bad drinking outcomes, we do associate pain and shame with them, right? After all, the time I pushed to the front of the queue for an ice cream cone just because I was a foot taller than the kids... not one of my best moments. Or interrupting my boss after being given the raised eyebrow signal to "shut up" but carried on gabbing anyway...

After reliving those moments, I began to wonder if that was the real me. If so, I didn't like it. 

What A Shame-Free Sobriety Approach Looks Like

I tried to quit. It lasted nine months, but I was relying on willpower alone back then. It took two more years before I reached "the last straw." (Pun intended). 

What worked for me was actually recalling those painful shameful moments — not in self-punishment — but to use as a vivid reminder of why I wanted to quit drinking.

So I took responsibility for my actions by apologizing. To those I hurt, I said "I'm sorry." 

I had to be honest with myself. I can't drink anymore. I just can't. 

Past Drinking Experiences Are Teachers, Not Life Sentences

My past not-so-nice drinking experiences taught me a lot about myself. They showed a side of me who was a stranger — to my own eyes. I am sitting here shaking my head as I write that — in disbelief at the remembrance of the shenanigans and stuff I did while drunk.

Almost thirty years later, I'm happy to report that the days of "past-me" were not my family's focus. They laugh and say, "you were young." True.

It's good to know my family (and friends) didn't hand out any "life sentences." 

Why Self-Punishment Is Not the Answer

To this very day, I still suffer with self-criticism. 

Spending 20 years drinking and creating my own self-criticism may have become ingrained, for sure. At the time, I felt sure I deserved the criticism. I'd tell myself over and over:

• You're useless.
• You're drinking again?
• You've gained weight!
• You'll always be a drunk...

It was for sure "autopilot" self-flagellation. It was a weird place to be inasmuch as it was slightly pleasurable to say it to myself. WTH? Yes... that's how off-base I became while drinking.

The upside to quitting drinking? All of the negative self-talk was not true (aside from the gaining weight part, sigh).

What I'm saying is this, don't waste your precious time. The harsh words I told myself didn't prove anything.

Building Self-Trust One Small Promise At A Time

I made the same promise over and over to quit drinking. I managed a couple of days dry, and then I was right back at it. It's a sure-fire way to erode your self-trust when the promises you make are repeatedly broken. In the end, I stopped believing in my promise-keeping ability!

Try this small promise: "Tonight, I am not going to drink." Just tonight. One small step.

The Somatic Marker Method And Shame-Free Change

The use of somatic markers became my bedrock approach to squash the drinking urges.

When that urge to drink arose, I paused. I consciously acknowledged that the thought had occurred.

I then brought to mind one of my somatic marker moments... and remembering those old bad incidents actually made me stronger. It reminded me of the outcome, and strengthened my resolve to not drink. Revisiting the unpleasant aftermath was enough to knock the stuffing out of the urge!

I was being honest with myself, without humiliating myself.

You Are Not The Worst Thing You Have Ever Done

It's easy to assume that the things you do drunk are your true identity. 

Take comfort in knowing this: it's not the real you. I'm approaching 30 years of sobriety and I know that my past-drinking-Susan is not who I am today. Far from it. I've lived long enough on the other side to know this isn't true.

Tonight, write down one drinking memory that still makes you cringe. Then write down one lesson it taught you.

Ask yourself whether that memory is acting as a teacher or a life sentence.

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Continue Exploring The Live Better Sober Approach

Every woman finds her own path, but understanding why your nightly drinking habit developed can make that path much easier. Explore the ideas behind the Live Better Sober approach, including habit loops, Somatic Marker Moments, and building lasting change without shame.

→ Browse all Live Better Sober Approach articles

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