Why I Kept Wanting to Go Back to Drinking

Written by Susan — drank for 20 years, approaching 30 years sober, sharing what actually works

Written by Susan — drank for 20 years, approaching 30 years sober, sharing what actually works

Why I kept wanting to go back to drinking confused me for a long time because logically I knew alcohol was hurting me. But emotionally, part of my brain still connected drinking with comfort, relaxation, reward, and normal evening routines.

Why I Kept Wanting to Go Back to Drinking

One of the hardest parts about quitting drinking is the confusion.

Because logically, you know alcohol is hurting you.

You know you feel worse afterward.
You know your health is suffering.
You know the anxiety, exhaustion, guilt, and emotional heaviness are getting harder to ignore.

And yet…

part of you still wants to go back to it.

That can make people feel weak or frustrated with themselves.

But I eventually realized something important:

Wanting to go back to drinking did not necessarily mean I truly wanted alcohol.

A lot of the time, it meant my brain wanted familiarity.

And those are not always the same thing.

The Brain Wants What Feels Familiar

The human brain loves familiarity.

Even unhealthy routines can start feeling emotionally “safe” simply because they are predictable and repeated over and over again.

For me, drinking became tied to:

• the end of the workday
• sitting down at night
• emotional release
• relaxation
• reward
• transition time
• escaping stress

After enough repetition, alcohol stopped feeling like “something I occasionally did.”

It started feeling like part of the structure of life itself.

That is why stopping can feel emotionally disorienting at first.

You are not only removing a drink.

You are interrupting an entire emotional pattern your brain had started depending on.

Why Sobriety Can Feel Strange At First

One thing people do not talk about enough is how emotionally strange sobriety can feel in the beginning.

Not bad necessarily.

Just unfamiliar.

The evenings can suddenly feel quiet.
Long.
Empty.
Different.

And because the brain is so used to certain routines, it starts trying to pull you back toward what feels emotionally normal.

That does not mean you are failing.

It means your brain is adjusting.

I think this is why so many people return to drinking even after making sincere promises to themselves.

Part of them genuinely wants change.

But another part still feels emotionally attached to the old routine because it has been reinforced for a long time.

That internal tug-of-war can feel exhausting.

Especially when people think:
“Why do I still want this when I know it’s bad for me?”

When Alcohol Stops Feeling Like “Home”

One of the strangest changes after long-term sobriety is that eventually alcohol stops feeling emotionally familiar.

At one point, drinking felt completely normal to me.
Expected.
Automatic.
Part of life.

Now it feels distant.

And when I’m around a bunch of heavy drinkers now, I often notice things I never used to notice before:

• repeated stories
• louder voices
• personality changes
• emotional reactions
• people slowly becoming different versions of themselves

And honestly?

Instead of feeling tempted, I mostly feel relieved that part of my life is over.

That feeling took time.

But it DID happen.

And that is important for people to know.

Because early sobriety can feel emotionally uncomfortable and unfamiliar…

but eventually, the sober version of life starts becoming the thing that feels peaceful, stable, and normal instead.

Why I Made This Video

I wanted to make this video because I remember feeling genuinely confused when I first tried to stop drinking.

Part of me wanted peace and freedom, but another part still wanted to go back to alcohol even though I knew it was hurting me.

And I think many people secretly experience that same internal battle and assume it means they are failing somehow.

But sometimes your brain is simply reacting to the loss of something familiar.

→ Back to: Susan Unscripted Videos on Live Better Sober
→ Watch Next: Why Does the Urge to Drink Hit Harder at Night?

And if you're looking for a more structured approach, my 66 Days to Break the Nightly Drinking Habit course will walk you through the process step-by-step.

Questions People Quietly Ask Themselves

About Susan Gast

I’m Susan, creator of Live Better Sober, and in January 2027 I’ll celebrate 30 years alcohol-free.

I created this site to share a calmer, more practical approach for people who want to break the nightly drinking habit and build a better life without alcohol.

About Susan Gast

I’m Susan, creator of Live Better Sober, and in January 2027 I’ll celebrate 30 years alcohol-free.

I created this site to share a calmer, more practical approach for people who want to break the nightly drinking habit and build a better life without alcohol.

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